But that's not what we are doing tonight. It's a fairly ordinary family day, as I kind of knew it would be. J and R are enamoured with the iPad I ordered from AIR MILES. And I'm taking this time to write this blog post.
It's not original, but I thought I'd write one of those "secrets to a long and happy marriage" posts. And I think I will do that - but sixteen years isn't really long enough to call oneself an expert. My parents were married for that length of time before they split up, after all. But I do think 16 years is a pretty long time to be with one person. And when you add in the 3 years we were a couple prior to tying the knot, then ... well, I'm sure you are capable of doing the math.
So, off the top of my sleepy head, here are a few secrets to a pretty-long, pretty-darned-happy marriage:
1. Stay married.
2. Don't get divorced.
3. Don't talk about not staying married. Don't discuss getting divorced.
4. Those were really important pieces of advice, so I'll just re-iterate that the best way to stay married is to eliminate thoughts of separation, divorce, or not staying married. The rest of this is just some bla-bla-bla you don't really need to worry about if you accomplish #1-#3. But you can read on if you really want to!
5. Be nice. Try not to criticize your mate, but do pay them all the compliments they've earned, and even some they haven't, every hour of every day. Compliment their work aptitude, their looks, their sense of humour, their boudoir badassedness, their cooking, their taste in mountain bikes, their weedwacking, their having remembered to change the snowtires, etc.
6. Don't bicker. Whenever I'm out, I hear a lot of families that bicker back and forth. Like ... We're late because YOU had to change your outfit at the last minute. Well if YOU hadn't told me that dress was too tight I would have left it on!
I think the banter starts out as kind of cute and funny repartee when people are young and the relationship is still fresh. But by the time your neck starts to fall, and your husband has a more intense relationship with his blackberry than he has with you? Bickering shouldn't be your main mode of communication. It shouldn't be part of your communication repertoire at all. If you have something that desperately needs to be said -- something that can't wait until after the picnic, day at the zoo, afternoon at the Smithsonian, or traffic jam on the 401 -- sandwich that criticism in a giant loaf of kindness. Like ... I know I'm a nervous passenger, honey, but maybe just drive a tad slower, considering every car ahead of us for miles has its brake lights on, including that guy you're tailgating. I know, silly me, what a backseat driver I am, sheesh!
7. Acceptance. Your mate will not always be exactly the mate you want. Not as romantic, perhaps. Not as interested in the same things you are, and vice versa. My advice? Be accepting, because people are really hard to change. As long as he or she is a good person, try not to let it get you down that they aren't as rich, gorgeous, fun or romantic as ________ (fill in the blank) as some other person's mate seems to be.
Maybe it's just me, but there has never been anyone else I'd rather be married to. For me, it's romance that I notice in movies or in other people's relationships. When I see that recurring scene of the guy chasing his lover to the airport ... I get choked up every time. I think part of the emotion is the knowledge that J would never do that. If I ran off to the airport I think he would be very logical about the fact that there are so many gates and terminals, plus security, parking woes, traffic on the highway, etc. etc. etc. that it wouldn't be worth the effort to follow me. Best to surf the mountain bike sites a while and maybe I'll change my mind. At least he'd be home when I returned, rather than tapping the shoulder of every 40-something brunette in what's probably the wrong terminal anyway.
Speaking of romance, my husband's idea of a romantic outing is a trip to Costco in which I'm allowed to get anything I want -- paper towels AND toilet tissue -- and he'll pay for it with his cash and put it all in the trunk for me. Or he'll trim the hedges in the back yard before I even get out of my pyjamas. Or he'll fold all the laundry and put it away - even my undies. All of this without fanfare. Just quiet displays of love. So when I hear about one of my friends being taken up into a hot air balloon, in Paris, and given a dozen roses, and asked to re-affirm her wedding vows? I just remind myself that I wouldn't want to be married to her husband anyway. He's awesome, and he's hers, but to get those roses -- and romance -- I'd have to accept the whole package. I'd have to trade J for someone else. And there isn't one man on earth whom I'd trade J for, even if that other man bore armloads of roses and Peanut Buster Parfaits for me.
8. This is out of order, now that I think about it, but I don't want to have to re-structure this post. So you can read the most important piece of advice (almost) last. The most important secret of a long and happy marriage is to marry the right person. Marry someone who makes you belly-laugh. If you can't think of the last time the person made you laugh? Maybe not a good sign.
Other bad signs are:
Drinking. If alcohol or drugs play a significant role in your dating life? They'll be unwelcome fixtures in your marriage. Unless you ever want to have to say "sorry, kids, Daddy's drunk again". Unless you want to find yourself googling "What is a functioning alcoholic". Or worse.
Being critical of other people. Just remember, later on the person on the receiving end of that criticism will be you, and maybe your kids, too. The guy who says "look how fat she is!" may think you're a major porker while you're pregnant. Imagine if you never lose the baby weight! And the guy who says "what a bleepin' wimp" may just say that to your nerdy son who can't catch a ball to save his life in ten years. The guy who lets the waitress "have it"? Whether she deserves it or not, this guy's lack of patience won't be fun for you some day when you burn the dinner, or forget to turn on the oven, yourself.
Being dishonest. Is he dishonest to other people? Does he make up a lie to get out of going into work on a Monday? Hmmm. I wonder if he'll ever lie to you?
Being on "best behaviour" all the time (who knows what he's hiding?). If he treats you like a princess? Make sure that's the real deal and not a sales pitch. Nine times out of ten it's a sales pitch. Too good to be true often is. He should be authentic and authentic people are awesome whether they're in Prince Charming mode or not.
Idiotic friends. If his friends don't impress you, I wonder what that says about him?
My mom always told me that people tell you who they are - it's just up to you to listen. If he says he's got a bad temper and trying to change? That's nice, but he may be a better candidate for some other girl. Not you and your future kids.
9. Back to the secrets of a happy marriage. The ninth one? Loving words and touches. Every day. To varying degrees, of course!
10. Be grateful. Remember that you are lucky to have someone like your mate. That all the bars and nightclubs on earth are filled with people who'd kill to be married to someone they love, who loves you back, like you are. You have found the holy grail - so quit envying the people who're still digging. If you were to start a new life with someone else, there'd just be a pile of new challenges and problems you'd face with that person anyway.
I've written the requisite "10" items, but I am sure this list isn't long enough. However, it's a good start. And if you've read this far you're obviously determined to stay married anyway. To not get divorced. So really you could have stopped reading at #1 or #2 and you'd have been just fine. Good for you! All that's left to say is that I wish you and your mate a wonderful life together. Now I'll log out and get back to mine. Still a few hours left of this anniversary. It's almost time the 11-year-old went to bed so this anniversary party can really get started. Hmmm... I wonder what bubble bath flavours we have?
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