Be as pretty as you are but that's enough!

I have known my friend Karen for ... oh, at least 22 years. If a movie were made of her life, they'd have to hire Winona Ryder to play the lead. The classic/intelligent face, the doe eyes, the pixie-cut hair.

When we get together we're like those chipmunks from cartoon-land, known as Chip 'n Dale. Up to no good ... but very polite and well meaning at the same time. Sometimes we tend to be polite and apologetic to the point of ridiculousness.

Lately we don't get a chance to see one another in person that much because Karen lives a few time-zones away. So we don't get as caught up in holding a door and saying "After you, no after you, no after you, no after you..." the way we (and the chipmunks) do. Nowadays there's just a lot of polite/funny writing back and forth over email. Sending funny things we discover in our travels, and frequently laughing over some poor shmuck's typo that comically changed the entire meaning of his sentence.

Yesterday, while I waited for my car's first oil change, I read a blog that Karen had discovered and sent to me. It is from Huffington Post by a writer named Hannah Brencher and I will paste the link here for you. It's all about how women shouldn't be so apologetic for being who we are. No more "sorry" whether coming out of our mouths or lurking in our hearts. A kind of take me or leave me attitude you don't read about much. Usually women are targeted with "are you ashamed to be wearing LAST MONTH'S lipstick shade? Help is here!" kind of messages. We're never good enough and BY GOD we haven't spent nearly enough money solving the problem. That's for sure.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hannah-brencher/im-not-gonna-tell-you-you-youre-beautiful_b_4142547.html

So, after I read the blog, Karen and I chatted back and forth even as I was picking up the keys to my car (thank you smart phone technology!). Karen told me that she was advised by someone to SMILE. She told me how it really deflated her. She had been playing ukulele and, in her concentration, had forgotten to appear f*ckable to the audience.

Now, I've heard about this phenomenon before - women are told to smile all the time. It occasionally happens to me (though my usual schtick is to be asked if I'm lost - which is a real indication of what I must look like to the outside world, omg).

Being told to smile is really insulting. If you wanted to smile you would. Why should you smile if that's not what you're feeling? 

Pardon me? What's that you say?

You should smile so you look PRETTY???? Put a phony look on your face so people on the other side of it like what they see?!!! Hmm, more on that in a minute.

I would like to say that telling women what expression to have on their faces is misogynistic and patronizing and MEN HAVE TO STOP THIS.  But I simply can't make that accusation because often it's women themselves who tell each other to smile. 

Women have been so bombarded with marketing messages that we believe the What Not To Wear messages without questioning them. We all would love to have one of those brutally-insulting total makeovers (after which we'd all shower and look the same way we looked before the makeover, only now we've trashed and rejected our authentic selves on national television much like Oprah did when she sported "size 6" jeans and wheeled out a wagon loaded up with many pounds of fat to represent all her lost weight.) (That was the longest bracketed phrase I've ever written and you just witnessed it.)

Back to that chat we were having, the one about smiling and beauty and all that. I'll admit that I tell my daughter that being pretty is nice. She is pretty so I can tell her that truth.  But foremost, Rachel is incredibly smart and I make sure she hears me saying that 10 times more often than I tell her she is pretty. But yes, I do tell her she is pretty because she has the gift of beauty and it would be a waste for her to believe otherwise. That would be like having a Lamborghini in the driveway and seeing a 1989 Pacer. Being a nice-looking person and feeling ugly is a form of dysmorphia too many people suffer from. And that's not right either.

But my point is ... whatever you look like? That's good enough. Come on women, get over this battle to look better, younger, sexier, firmer, everything-er than you already do. I'm sure last month's lipstick shade and last year's jeans and this year's extra 4 lbs are good enough. If you're turning 40 and you look like you're turning 40? That's okay!. My God, how many eyes do you need on your ass anyway? Last time I checked we're living in a society where polygamy is outlawed, and even in societies where it isn't, it's the MEN who have several spouses, not the women. Find that one man who loves you for who you are, who likes the package you really come in, and get on with it!

Next time you feel less-than-hot and you're beating yourself up about it, or you forget to "smile" ... just remember we're women and not animals. It's not our job to be always attracting males. Many people believe it is in fact a woman's job to be looking downright f#ck-worthy at all times of the day, even if you're dragging the recycling to the curb at 6 a.m. or whatever. Well, I don't buy into it and neither does my kid (I won't allow it).

If you don't like my looks, I won't apologize for not appearing f*ckable to you. As a matter of fact, go f$#k someone else - maybe even yourself.

DEAR READERS: I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU. Have you ever been told to smile OR change the way you look/dress/wear your hair? If so, how does it make you feel and how do you handle it?